Humor: A Possible SNL Skit (based very roughly on a recent encounter with an actual restaurant menu)

Scene:  A corporate board room, perhaps.  A man in a shirt and tie sits across a long table from four people of various ages, manners, and standards of dress.

Man in shirt and tie:  Good morning.  Welcome to The Roasting Pit chain of restaurants’ consumer focus group and thank you all for participating!  I’m Hank Hampshire.  As you all know, The Roasting Pit specializes in the good food that people really love!  Our reputation is tied to making sure that every menu features delicious, mouth-watering selections which include generous and satisfying portions.  But, we don’t pretend that our food is, shall we say, “longevity friendly”.  (Laughing)  Like our motto says, “Great food to eat, while you still can!”

(Consumer panel all smile and nod in firm agreement.)

Hank (continuing, while standing up next to presentation easel):  As you all know, we have had great success with many of our delicious and satisfying menu items, like our (turning page on easel to reveal first item) Piggy-went-to-market barbecue pork sandwich; (turns page) our Swine and Cheese Porker pack; (turns page) and our Oink-a-palooza appetizer tray.  Of course, these are even better when paired with our (turns page) Locked and Loaded cheesie fries, our Belly-way-over-the-belt burger (turns page), and our famous (turns page) Arm-chair Buster stuffed five-cheese potato. 

(Consumer panel smile and nod more vigorously.)

Hank:  Today, we’d like to introduce you all to some selections we believe will appear on future menus, pending, this focus group’s endorsements, of course.  (Turns page) First, is our new Family Take-out Glutton pack, which includes generous portions of any three of our five meat options, three Arm-chair buster stuffed potatoes, and your choice of steamed vegetables or a salad.

(Consumer panel all look a little bewildered.)

Hank:  (Turns page) Next, we have our Fatter-than-a-pregnant-hog dinner plate.  This includes our pulled piggy pork and grease-glazed tater skins nachos, topped with shredded cheese, cowboy beans, and our signature sowbelly barbecue sauce.  Also come with choice of steamed vegetables or a salad.

(Consumer panel all look even more bewildered.)

Hank:  (Turns page)  Finally we have our brand new, pit-master selection of entrees we call “This Food Will Kill You, Fat Ass”.  Each one of these dinner options include your choice of selections from our Hog Heaven Porker spread, our Pig-Trough Porky Palace table, and our Slob-fest side dish selection.  And, of course, you also have your choice of steamed vegetables or a salad.

Panel member (raising hand, looking disgusted and bewildered):  Um, excuse me?

Hank:  Yes, sir?

Panel member:  Will I be able to substitute your Locked and Loaded cheesie fries for the vegetables or salad?

Hank:  Absolutely!

(All panel members smile and nod heads vigorously)

Panel member:  Well!....all I want to know is...when do we eat?!

(Everyone laughs)  

Cut scene.

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